if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
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I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
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You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot