I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.