Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
