Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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