Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
