Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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