I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
