im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My vagina is officially offended.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
