You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
