I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
