just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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