About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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