I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
