Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
