I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
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He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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