also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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