oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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