Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
