I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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