No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
