i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
