Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
