We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Randomize
