Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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