Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
