i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
