the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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