I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
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I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
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I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!