I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
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Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
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The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me