I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
