Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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