They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
