I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out