So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal