I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
