Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
