Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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