Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
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until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
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Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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