i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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