a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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