I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
