Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize