I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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