I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My liver just had a heart attack.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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