I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
