your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
