someone owes me an orgasm
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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