this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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