false alarm. still invincible.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
