My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
