I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I faked an abortion last night.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
