You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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