i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Is it penis luge time yet?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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