I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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