last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
