i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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