This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
