GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
