May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
